Threshold
by madame.alexandra
Summary: Leia has reached the point where she's desperate to go back to the work she knows than stay home on her maternity leave; Han has a bright side for her. H/L; Identity 'verse. ft. Jaina Solo.


_a/n: new parent struggles!_

* * *

 ** _Threshold_**

 ** _9 ABY_**

* * *

In the late, exhausting hours after midnight, Leia found that she had finally reached a significant threshold of her maternal voyage so far: she wanted to go back to work. The thought occurred to her in a haze of frustration, fatigue, and dismal sense of failure – she abruptly found herself wracking her brains for the date of her return, and counting desperately, as she squeezed her eyes shut and tried to stay calm, tried to soothe her crying baby.

For longer than she had expected, she'd enjoyed maternity leave. On top of everything else, she had at least had the blessing of knowing her work was in good hands, and she had all the time in the world to focus on learning how to do this – she'd even considered extending her time off. It struck her as ironic that she encountered the desire to go back to work when she was at her most tired and overwhelmed, and likely needed sleep and no added stress.

The thing was, she was an old pro at the sort of stress her diplomatic duties brought. This mothering business – it was an unconquerable animal, and right when she felt like she'd got the hang of it, Jaina had hit olympic levels of sleep regression, obliterating what had been a surprisingly idyllic few weeks of her sleeping through most nights, and mischievously tricking her parents into thinking she was the perfect baby.

Somewhere in the back of her mind, Leia _still_ thought Jaina was perfect. She just desperately wanted her to be less loud about it. This was the fourth time in as many hours that she had woken up screaming, and this time there seemed to be no stopping it. The first few times Leia had found some success just rolling over, pulling her out of the cradle, and nursing her in bed, but this time – for Han's sake, she'd gotten up, and taking the inconsolable baby downstairs.

Even nearly an hour later, she was pulling out all the stops to try and comfort her, berating herself for being unable to, and wondering how it was possible that Jaina hadn't tired herself out yet from the crying alone.

Leia pressed her lips into a tight, thin line, wrestling – _gently_ , very gently – with a wailing, unhappy Jaina as she tried to get her to nurse. Jaina didn't seem to want to nurse – or to sleep, or to be held, or to smile. Jaina only wanted to cry. She thrashed her head violently away from Leia's breast.

She had never, _ever_ encountered as much trouble nursing as she had this week, and part of her knew it was because they'd started introducing Jaina to bottles in preparation for Leia's return to work. Evidently, the baby girl's form of protest at such an insult was to shame her mother to the verge of tears by refusing to eat.

Her lip trembling, Leia dug her teeth into her tongue, squeezing her eyes shut in frustration for a moment. She took a deep breath and sat forward, abandoning her attempts for the second time and placing Jaina gently back in her oscillating seat, which was perched up on the kaffe table. In the armchair across the room, Zozy, with his ears back unhappily, wagged his tail weakly.

Leia pushed her hair behind her ears, pressing her palms against her cheeks.

"What?" she asked softly. "What do you _want_?"

She reached out through the Force, yet all she felt was distress, and unhappiness. Her eyes welled up anxiously. She took a few more deep breaths, trying to calm herself down. She was acutely aware that her own anxiety affected Jaina; the baby was so, so sensitive to her mother's emotions. She was even hypersensitive to Han's, despite his lack of Force-related abilities.

Jaina kicked her feet angrily and wailed. Leia put her head in her hands, hiding her face, and tried not to burst into tears herself. She heard footsteps upstairs, down the hall – Han checking Jaina's nursery – and then she heard him on the stairs.

She let her hands drift to her lap, lifting her head bravely, and turning her head as he came into the room, tiredly rubbing his eyes.

He blinked, folding his arms, hugging himself, and looked at her blearily, his hair sticking up at all angles, and mumbled something incoherently, coming closer. He looked worried.

"Hey," he said sleepily. "What'sa matter with her?" he asked bluntly.

Leia blinked at him helplessly, and then narrowed her eyes. The question felt like an indictment. It hit her like a wallop to the gut. Her vision blurred in a fog of irritation and exhaustion and a strong feeling of failure and she flung her hand out at the screaming baby, her lashes trembling.

"I don't know!" she hissed. "How the _fuck_ should I know?"

Han looked dumfounded. He shifted his weight, still blinking sleepil, half-awake. He came a little closer, his lips pursing.

"She's just – she seems - I don't, uhhh," he mumbled warily. "You, and her," he gestured between them.

Leia stood up.

"Have a _connection_?" she snapped. "I can read her mind so I should just be _perfect at this_?"

Leia's face flushed.

"It doesn't _work_ like that, Han! I get – I get senses, I get bombarded with her emotions, but she can't express them, or control them, she doesn't even understand what she feels – you know," she raged. "I can tell when you're upset or hurting, but I can't just _understand_ why you're feeling what you're feeling, or what you need, unless you use your words, Han," her tone pitched up mockingly.

She flung her arm out at the crying baby.

"And she doesn't know any words!"

Han stared at her, scratching the back of his head tensely. He ran a hand over his jaw, startled. He was just concerned about Jaina; she seemed so upset. And he hadn't meant to - but he supposed this was one of those moments Carlist Rieekan had meant, months ago, when he gave him his personal advice, old father to new.

Leia looked back at the baby and then started to storm past Han. He caught her gently, stifling a yawn.

"S'okay, Leia," he mumbled, turning his head towards her. "You used to be terrible at tellin' me what was wrong, too," he joked lightly. "Go to bed or somethin'," he murmured. "I'll take care of 'er."

"She won't stop crying," Leia sniffled into his arm.

"Yeah," Han said quietly. "Well, maybe she just needs to."

Leia looked up at him, blanching.

"I can't get her to nurse," she complained.

Han rubbed her shoulders gently, and then gestured to the couch. Leia hesitated, but backed up, and sat back down heavily. He sat down next to her, leaning forward to rub Jaina's stomach affectionately. She turned her head towards him, but kept crying. Han reached over to the chair and clicked its on button. Even with the oscillation, Jaina kept crying, and Han frowned, turning to give Leia a wary look. She flung her hand out, her eyes wide.

"Even the chair isn't working!" she hissed. "The chair always works!"

Han arched his brows, and turned it off. He sat forward and picked Jaina up, holding her against his shoulder and rubbing her back. She quieted a little, but only a little, and Leia felt a vindictive rush of satisfaction.

"Well, I'm glad it's not just me," she griped.

Han leaned back, smiling ruefully, and Leia sighed, folding her arms tight across her stomach.

"Sorry," she muttered. "I just…would have felt worse if she stopped crying when you picked her up," she admitted.

"S'okay," he said. He continued to rub Jaina's back, and then tilted his head. "I wasn't asking what's the matter with her like you should just know, like she was botherin' me," he ventured quietly. "I'm just worried. She's cryin' a lot. It worries me."

Leia's lip trembled, and she looked down at her lap.

"I _know_ ," she stressed. "I think she's just over stimulated lately," she murmured shakily. "She's had a developmental leap, and I think, I _think,"_ Leia's hand drifted up to her breast, and she gently massaged herself, wincing. "I think she's starting to teethe."

Han glanced down at Jaina's head curiously.

"Is that normal?"

"It's early but its not unheard of," Leia said miserable. She held her hands in front of her grimacing. "I can't really feel teeth but she _gnaws_ at me," her lip started to tremble, "and I think she hates me because we started giving her the bottle – "

"Shhh," Han interrupted, shaking his head. " _Shh_ , Leia, c'mon," he said.

"Don't soothe me like you soothe her!"

"Oh, calm down, I'm soothin' you both," Han retorted. He paused, and then gave her an apologetic wince. "Can you ignore that I told you to calm down? Please?"

Leia glared at him with watery eyes, but compressed her lips, and nodded. She leaned back, grasping at her robe to clutch it closed. She hunched down on the sofa, watching Han try to quiet Jaina. He was slow, at first, calm – then he started to get a little agitated, like she had.

He moved Jaina to the other shoulder. He talked to her. He shifted her into a cradle, and then back to his shoulder, and finally, he looked over at Leia, alarmed. Despite herself, she laughed hoarsely, nodding.

"She's _relentless_."

She swallowed hard, and sat up a little, reaching out.

"Let me try again," she said tiredly, and Han gingerly handed over the baby, rubbing his palms together tensely as he watched Leia steel herself, and pull back half of her robe again.

Han rested his head on the back of the sofa and watched, thinking little of it, until he saw the state of her skin while she tried to coax Jaina to eat. He sat up, widening his eyes.

" _Leia_ ," he said, strained. "What's wrong with your nipples?"

She shied away from him, giving him a hostile look.

"Nothing's _wrong_ with them, Han," she snapped defensively, pulling at her robe. She gave him a harassed look, and bit her lip – oddly, some part of her always thought it sounded absurd when he said _nipples_. It had never been part of his foreplay lexicon, and it sounded incongruous now.

"It looks like they hurt!" He protested, gesturing. "You're all red and – "

"She hasn't been latching well!" Leia hissed. "It's like she forgot how to do it," she said, turning back to Jaina. She tried a few more hopeless times, and then turned Jaina around, holding her to the other breast, and struggling there for a moment.

Jaina accepted that one, and Leia glared at her in disbelief.

"Well, _what was wrong with the other one_?" she demanded. It was habit for her to nurse from the right. Was Jaina seriously implying if she'd just offered the left –

Han snorted. He sat forward more and tried to lean over and look, but Leia covered her non-nursing side with the robe. She shouldered Han away gently, smoothing Jaina's hair back and trying not to wince.

"It's normal," she told Han, so he wouldn't worry.

"Why didn't you say anything?" Han asked. "I could help with bottles more, if it's hurting you."

"Because I don't want to just _quit,_ " Leia said shakily. "I _like_ feeding her, it's just rough right now. I don't want to quit," she insisted. "Or complain."

Han lifted his arm and put it around her shoulders.

"You c'n complain to me," he said flatly.

Leia nodded. She leaned closer, using his arm to help support Jaina's head.

"Han, can you," she sighed. "Hold her head up. Or hold my elbow up – my arm hurts. I'm tired."

He nodded, and reached over to comply, cupping his hand firmly under Jaina's head to relieve the pressure on Leia's arm. Leia sighed in relief and tilted her head back. She licked her lips, and rolled her head to look at him.

"I am _so_ sore," she confessed. "Everything else finally stopped hurting and now _this_."

She used her free hand to tuck her hair behind her ears.

"This whole week has been horrible," she whispered. "I don't know why she won't sleep, why she won't nurse as well," her voice caught, and she bit down on her lip hard for a moment, "she's so _rough_ ," she lamented, her lashes fluttering.

She closed her eyes, and furrowed her brow, shaking her head.

"You were never this rough on my nipples," she muttered darkly.

Han glanced at her, trying to decide if she was joking, and when she smiled wistfully, he laughed.

"Well, I think me'n'her have different objectives," he retorted.

Leia smiled faintly. She sighed.

"I miss you," she murmured. "Sex, I mean. I miss it."

She sighed, shaking her head, looking down at Jaina.

"I _miss_ it, I just don't feel like it," she mumbled tiredly. "And I'm tired of not feeling like it."

Han kissed her temple.

Jaina turned her head away and began to cry again, and Leia sighed heavily. Her eyes filled with tears again as she sat forward and rocked Jaina a little, pursing her lips to _shush_ her gently.

"I want to go back to work, Han," she admitted. Her voice shook. "I miss _that_ , too. I feel like I'm failing her. I _never_ feel like I'm failing at work."

He nodded, rubbing her shoulder.

"We're having a hard week," he agreed.

Leia tilted her head back and forth. Jaina squirmed and screamed, and she lifted her to her shoulder, unable to hold back tears anymore.

"Why won't she _stop_ crying?" she asked helplessly, stroking the baby's back. She blinked rapidly, tears spilling down her cheeks. "She's keeping me up, she's keeping _you_ up – for no reason. I don't understand."

"I don't mind," Han said, yawning. "Hey, if she's not hungry, just give her to me," he added, shrugging. "I'll walk around with her. Y'know, rock her and stuff."

Leia tucked her head down and cried silently for a full minute before lifting her chin, taking a deep breath, and trying to compose herself. Han reached up to pull his hand through her hair, and then moved closer, leaning in to kiss her cheek.

"Leia," he murmured, close to her ear. He took Jaina's foot in his hand while he spoke, gently tickling her in a new effort to calm her down. "I think you got a bright side here. I was thinkin' about it last week," he said gruffly, "but I wanted to bring it up when you needed it."

She bounced the baby a little, turning to look at him.

"Things are rough, yeah? A little rough right now," he said.

She nodded, squeezing her eyes closed tightly. She reopened them a second later, and Han raised his brows pointedly.

"You haven't had a nightmare since she was born," he said firmly.

Leia furrowed her brow. She looked at him silently; her lips pursed, and then tilted her head a little.

"I haven't…?" she began.

He shook his head.

"No," he said. "Hmm-mm. Not one."

She continued to stare at him.

"That's how tired I am. My _trauma_ is that tired."

Han grinned. He shrugged.

"Yeah, maybe," he agreed. "I think it's 'cause you're _that_ happy." He nodded sagely, sitting up a little and reaching out to take his turn holding Jaina. Her crying was quieter, but persistent.

Leia's heart ached at the idea of Jaina quieting not because she was soothed, but because she was exhausted. She let her hands fall to her lap, and waited for Han to continue with his theory.

"Just think about that, Sweetheart," he said earnestly. "You're tired, and stressed, and you're bein' hard on yourself, and you're strugglin' – we both are – but it's not givin' you nightmares. Stress used to make 'em worse," he pointed out. He shrugged. "It's got to be 'cause she makes you so happy."

Leia swallowed hard, her heart fluttering pleasantly.

"You think a baby cured all my trauma?" she asked softly. She arched her brows. "What a blow to feminism," she said caustically.

Han laughed.

"Nah," he said. "I jus' think nothin' else matters right now, 'sides her," he explained, "and I think…you don't have it in you anymore to think, even a little bit, about the past, because we're so focused on her, so," he shrugged. "Thought it just might be a good think to think about, when you're at the end of your rope."

Leia adjusted her head, resting it on his shoulder. She fell silent, and then reached out to stroke her index finger lightly along Jaina's unhappy face, catching her tears. Her cheeks were mostly dry now; the crying was just distressed noise, no tears left. Jaina turned her head towards the touch, sniffling.

Leia smiled at her.

She was happy. The love and affection she felt for Jaina was incomparable to anything she'd ever felt before, and Han was right; even at her most frustrated moments, she didn't _regret_ Jaina. She missed work, or she wished she'd stop crying, or wished she had one moment where she didn't feel like her mind and body didn't belong to her – but she didn't wish Jaina away.

She loved her, and she loved Han _even_ more because of her, and loving Han more had seemed impossible.

Maybe he was right. Maybe she had so much more good in her life than bad now that the nightmares couldn't fight their way through. And if that was because of the baby, so be it; who was she to rail against that? Her baby made her happy, and her work did, too – and so did her husband, and her favorite pair of heels, for that matter. She couldn't afford to argue with happiness for the sake of ideology. A baby wouldn't have eased her heartache if she hadn't wanted one, but there was the key: she had _wanted_ Jaina.

Leia smiled at him. She got up gingerly, tossing her hair back and tying her robe loosely. Rubbing her eyes, she went into the kitchen and got a small bottle out of the icebox. She took a moment to heat it up, making a note of how many they had left, and how much she'd need to pump tomorrow, and then took it with her back to the living room.

Sitting down next to Han, she tested the temperature on her wrist, and then handed it to him. He accepted, and spent a few moments wrestling with Jaina himself, until she took the bottle, with resignation, it appeared, and quieted down again. Han watched her carefully, and then settled back, relaxed.

Leia pulled her legs up underneath her, and curled up at his side, looping her arm through his, and resting her chin against his bicep. She settled down to watch him feed Jaina, her eyes heavy.

"Leia?" Han asked.

"Hmm?"

"Maybe…y'think she's outgrowin' the cradle?" he asked, concentrating on feeding her.

Leia nodded sleepily. That could be part of the problem. But Leia wasn't sure she was ready to move Jaina into the nursery. She'd think about it. It might be a good idea to get the baby used to that before Leia went back to work.

She kissed Han's shoulder through his shirt. She licked her lips, squeezing his arm.

"You know, Han," she murmured. "When we do have sex again, _this_ ," she lifted her hand and gestured to her breasts, "is going to get everywhere."

Han snorted, glancing at her in amusement.

"Good thing we own towels," he retorted, "And a 'fresher."

Leia smiled. He nudged her gently with his elbow.

"Hey, go to bed," he encouraged. "I got her," he promised.

Leia yawned. She was tempted to stay right here, with him, but she knew she probably needed to go sleep by herself for a little, knowing Han, in another room, safely tended to Jaina while she did recharge with a good stretch of sleep.

She stood slowly, extricating herself, and then leaned down to place a soft kiss to Jaina's head, and give Han a grateful kiss on the mouth. He shooed her off gruffly, and she made her way back upstairs, her shoulders sagging in exhaustion and relief. Zozy's bell tingled softly as he hopped off his armchair and trotted after her.

She spared one look for Jaina's empty cradle at the side of the bed as she crawled back into the tangled mess of sheets. Stretching out, she clutched one of Han's pillows, and burrowed down, sleep tugging at her eyelids even before she got really comfortable.

She slept until early morning, when both sunrise, and Jaina's early, tentative fussing woke her up. She opened her eyes to find the baby in bed next to her, tucked gingerly against Han's chest. He was sleeping on his side, his arm forming a little nook for her.

Jaina waved her hands, turning her head towards Leia, and Leia smiled, reaching out to take her small fingers. She inched closer, moved Han's hand carefully, and shifted around until she could get Jaina in a position to nurse, right there. Jaina complied easily this morning, quieting immediately, and looking up at Leia contently. Leia smiled at her gratefully, and closed her eyes lightly – the sleepless nights were hard, so hard, but Han was right; they were not nightmares, and they were _without_ nightmares.

* * *

 _\- alexandra_

 _story #377_


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